The new X Factor judges are amazing; this is why

Like many teen girls who couldn’t sneak out to drink cider in the park on a Saturday night, I’ve been loyal to the X Factor since day one.

Oh, the things I’ve seen:  Kate Thornton attempting to show human emotion. Those terrifying Scottish twins. And the inevitable slaughtering of a Frank Sinatra classic, every sodding year, during Big Band Week.

But one thing remains a constant – the judges are always more entertaining than the acts. So after years of shouting “Why, Louis, WHY?” at the telly, I decided that I wouldn’t bother with the new series of X Factor. The new judges couldn’t possibly compete with Simon’s (chest hair) ego, Danni and Cheryl’s dress-offs or Louis’ incredibly poor judgement.

Well I was wrong. Dead wrong. After sitting through the first X Factor live show last weekend, I can confirm that the new judges are set to outshine the acts in spectacular fashion.

1.       KELENDRIA ROWLAND*

Kelly Rowland, one-third of the greatest girl band in history, is easily my favourite addition to X Factor. She fulfils the basic requirements of a female reality show judge – beauty, charm and the ability to cry attractively – while having that quality Cheryl Cole lacked. No, not a beating heart, but musical talent.

Because wrapped up in the PUT IT DOWN’s and GOD DAWG MOMMA’s, there’s some actual constructive feedback from a legitimate superstar. We’ve all heard Say My Name, right? Case closed.

*Swear on my life, that’s her real name

2.       TULISA FROM N-DUBZ

Like Cheryl, Tulisa is living proof that if you give a girl a decent blowdry and cocktail dress, no one will care about her dubious past. Committed racist assault or happen to be a member of N-Dubz, the band responsible for the biggest hat-wearing cock in the British music industry? No problem! It’s nothing that a makeover won’t solve.

But I suppose Dappy isn’t her fault. And under her stewardship, at least The Bands have a decent crack at not being turned into a Westlife tribute act this year.

3.       GARY BARLOW

Mr. Barlow has taken on his judging role with such seriousness that it’s actually a bit cringey. I mean, I don’t think this guy is really after constructive criticism:

Gary’s insistence on treating X Factor like a real talent contest will no doubt collapse. But until his existential breakdown, his excellent taste in suits means that there’s finally some handsome on the judging panel.

About time.

4.       LOUIS WALSH

I got nothing.

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