Like many teen girls who couldn’t sneak out to drink cider in the park on a Saturday night, I’ve been loyal to the X Factor since day one.
Oh, the things I’ve seen: Kate Thornton attempting to show human emotion. Those terrifying Scottish twins. And the inevitable slaughtering of a Frank Sinatra classic, every sodding year, during Big Band Week.
But one thing remains a constant – the judges are always more entertaining than the acts. So after years of shouting “Why, Louis, WHY?” at the telly, I decided that I wouldn’t bother with the new series of X Factor. The new judges couldn’t possibly compete with Simon’s (chest hair) ego, Danni and Cheryl’s dress-offs or Louis’ incredibly poor judgement.
Well I was wrong. Dead wrong. After sitting through the first X Factor live show last weekend, I can confirm that the new judges are set to outshine the acts in spectacular fashion.
1. KELENDRIA ROWLAND*
Kelly Rowland, one-third of the greatest girl band in history, is easily my favourite addition to X Factor. She fulfils the basic requirements of a female reality show judge – beauty, charm and the ability to cry attractively – while having that quality Cheryl Cole lacked. No, not a beating heart, but musical talent.
Because wrapped up in the PUT IT DOWN’s and GOD DAWG MOMMA’s, there’s some actual constructive feedback from a legitimate superstar. We’ve all heard Say My Name, right? Case closed.
*Swear on my life, that’s her real name
2. TULISA FROM N-DUBZ
Like Cheryl, Tulisa is living proof that if you give a girl a decent blowdry and cocktail dress, no one will care about her dubious past. Committed racist assault or happen to be a member of N-Dubz, the band responsible for the biggest hat-wearing cock in the British music industry? No problem! It’s nothing that a makeover won’t solve.
But I suppose Dappy isn’t her fault. And under her stewardship, at least The Bands have a decent crack at not being turned into a Westlife tribute act this year.
3. GARY BARLOW
Mr. Barlow has taken on his judging role with such seriousness that it’s actually a bit cringey. I mean, I don’t think this guy is really after constructive criticism:
Gary’s insistence on treating X Factor like a real talent contest will no doubt collapse. But until his existential breakdown, his excellent taste in suits means that there’s finally some handsome on the judging panel.
4. LOUIS WALSH
I got nothing.